Category: Content

Wine is how the devil corrupts the grape

“You as dis’ppointing as that movie — that dumb one, wit’ the wine — got that Asian chick who look like a horse — you ever see that one? — Nevermind, I can’t remember — you done dis’ppoint me, son.”

“Whatchoo doin’, whiteboy? You little snotrag. You oozin’ disappointments right now. You as dis’ppointing as that movie — that dumb one, wit’ the wine — got that Asian chick who look like a horse — you ever see that one? — Nevermind, I can’t remember — you done dis’ppoint me, son.” He paused. “Wine is how the devil corrupts the grape.” He looked to one corner of his eyes as he considered whether that was profound or dumb. He couldn’t decide, so he took out his phone and said it again into his voice-recognition note-taking app.

From Avery’s Adventures in Interracial Manhood

The fence-post of your brain-yard

“That metaphor got away from me, Avery, sorry ’bout that. But I can help you wit’ any of them succumbations.”

“So if you need help with any of that, with gang stuff-” He flashed gang signs and a grave mien. “-with money troubles, with getting horny and needing to get yo’ dingaling dirty, I understand how it goes,” Steel said. He kissed the air. “I am gonna support you, my brother. I be like the fence-post for the chain-links… of yo’… yo’, yo’ fence-brain. The fence, of, yo’ — if yo’ brain was a yard, and it got a fence.” He paused and blinked a few times. “That metaphor got away from me, Avery, sorry ’bout that. But I can help you wit’ any of them succumbations.”

From Avery’s Adventures in Interracial Manhood

Arabs got good hat game

The Lebanese barrack was dappled with sheets and them nightgown-like things they wore. It smelled of obscure spices, like some sorta stank potpourri, like grandma’s kitchen if yo’ grandmama was a hairy sailor.

Waaaay too much body hair for Steel’s notions. The UN oughta shave all the Muslims. All they body hair is like pubes too. That’s what distinguishes Arabs from Persians. Persians got nice silky body hair. Arabs was like if steel wool got turned into a real boy. A unpleasant and aggressive real boy.

The Lebanese barrack was dappled with sheets and them nightgown-like things they wore, Steel don’t know what none that’s called. All them clothes was hung up to dry. It smelled of obscure spices, like some sorta stank potpourri, like grandma’s kitchen if yo’ grandmama was a hairy sailor. Steel ain’t like it one bit. And goddamn was the place a forest of chest hair. Steel could taste it from the doorway, like a copper penny baking on a sandy beach. Makes a nigga’s fillings wiggle.

One of ’em got that bristly body hair going over his shoulders and all the way down his back, like he was slowly turning into a carpet. One of ’em was wearing an Aladdin hat too, a real nice one. Arabs got good hat game. He gotsta to give ’em that one. They hat game was on point.

From Steel the Roughneck

Portugal’s a fucked-up place

Lem got theories on why Italians was so awful, and he explainified them to Steel till Steel told him to get on with it.

Lem got theories on why Italians was so awful, and he explainified them to Steel till Steel told him to get on with it. Steel got no distruck with Italians. He could eat the fuck outta some pizza too, the Portuguese cooks on the rig make pizza, but they makes it weird as Chinese beards. It’s on like flatbread or something. And they don’t even put pepperoni on it! Portugal’s a fucked-up place. Anyway, Steel got no hate for Portuguese crackers, nor Italians, but Lem got reasons to hate on every race. Every reason was unique to that race, but he got a million of ’em. Lem was an anthopplist of stereotyping.

From Steel the Roughneck

If it ain’t Christ, it ain’t right!

They was something, and whatever they was, it wasn’t right.

“Ohh-zshoo-woo-joo!” One of ’em said, or sumpin’ similar, Steel don’t listen to no Haitian voodoo. If it ain’t Christ, it ain’t right! But Steel did watch the video about respecting diversity on the oil rig, and he ain’t tell the Haitians they was some devil-worshipping pagans. Maybe. Steel don’t actually know what “pagan” means. But they was something, and whatever they was, it wasn’t right.

From Steel the Roughneck

Drink when it floods, nigga!

In prison, Steel saw a documentary, and it turned out lizards drink mad water, like desert lizards when it floods, they be guzzling that! Lizards is wise motherfuckers. Drink when it floods, nigga!

“Shit… Once I get my first paycheck, nigga, I’mma get so much liquor — we gonna be drinking like lizards after our first leave, Lem.” In prison, Steel saw a documentary, and it turned out lizards drink mad water, like desert lizards when it floods, they be guzzling that! Lizards is wise motherfuckers. Drink when it floods, nigga!

From Steel the Roughneck

Water water everywhere but not a drop to drink

He hid that notion under his domey-doodle though.

Anywayhows, the Portuguese spaghetti was good as girlfarts, and then they hip-hopped it to showers after supper. Steel kept it cool and calm, though his blood crawled up in his eyes and he wanna run back to his bunk to drink, glug-a-glug-a-goo, damn he wished he put a flask in his locker, if he was rich, he’d put flasks everywhere just in case he got thirsty. He hid that notion under his domey-doodle though. He wanna be less smacky for liquor than Lem. It ain’t a real addiction-craving if some other nigga is craving it more. That’s what Steel thought as he showered. Water water everywhere but not a drop to drink.

From Steel the Roughneck

You know Steel stays listening to Some Nigga

Some nigga said the whole rig was counted as a boat under the law, so any alcohol was tantamount to boating under the influence, and you know Steel stays listening to Some Nigga.

A boat did come every week with fresh food, but the boat ain’t allowed to bring no booze. Rig policy. Most technically, nobody on rig was supposed to have any alcohol. It was against the rules. Some nigga said the whole rig was counted as a boat under the law, so any alcohol was tantamount to boating under the influence, and you know Steel stays listening to Some Nigga.

From Steel the Roughneck

Whiteboys don’t notice nothing

That’s prolly why they’s white, they ain’t notice the line to get in to be borned a nigga.

All that time, Mucker ain’t seem to notice Steel got one hand in his pants. Whiteboys don’t notice nothing, it’s crazy. That’s prolly why they’s white, they ain’t notice the line to get in to be borned a nigga.

From Steel & the Whiteboy Skater