Thumper the Booty Bandit: Chapter 5

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Thumper the Booty Bandit

Chapter One: The Old Head

Chapter Two: Still Whistlin’

Chapter Three: On the Systemic Racism of the So-Called “Road” and Its Origins in Patriarchal Patterns of Oppression

Chapter Four: Debt

Chapter Five: Crossing the Bridge

Chapter Six: The Sauciest Noodle

Chapter Seven: Nights of Long Love

Chapter Eight: Hazing

Chapter Nine: The Trustee

Chapter Ten: Missus

Chapter Eleven: Whitey

Thumper was surprise Mr. Gregarian picked him. When he was a young man, before he got locked up, no honky daddy would send him out with his pretty daughter to keep her safe — a nigga like Thumper, in his come-up, was exactly the kinda man her daddy need her kept safe from. Mr. Gregarian wouldn’t never have done let young-Thumper near his daughter.
Nowadays though, Thumper got long teeth and gray corn in his rows, and Mr. Gregarian knew that Thumper would go back in if he fucked up his parole — that was a mighty good incentive not to get fired. Plus Mr. Gregarian managed the club and all the hos who hoed there, and he promised Thumper a thousand bucks and a free ride on any them once he got back from the assignment.
As long as his daughter was still a virgin.
So Thumper got a car and a company credit card. This should be easy as slack pussy, Thumper thunk.
He was going on spring break.
Miriam was Mr. Gregarian’s daughter, and she was pushing past nineteen. She was a spray-on tangerine-cream white girl, pretty as a pumpkin despite the disaffected curls of hair blocking her face. She was going to spring break now, she said, because Ocean City was strictly 18+ this weekend.
The math suggested Miriam was the same age Thumper was when he got arrested, but Thumper couldn’t wrap his wrinkles around that, so he tried not to ponder it.
As Miriam settled into the backseat of the Jaguar while tapping and dapping at her phone, Thumper wondered if she was really still a virgin. Maybe. She ain’t look it, but you could tell she was trying-a look sluttier than she was. She was all dolled up with ruby lipstick, blooming blush and scarlet mascara, and she got a bare midriff and a bikini under that halter-top. She got a bitch-happy way of talking too.
“You better drive quick,” Miriam said, rolling her eyes already, as soon as the car rocked into motion. “We’re off to a late start. My friend Katie is like almost there.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Ugh, ‘ma’am’. Don’t call me that,” she said with a scoff. She blew one them hair-curls outta her face, but it drooped right back to dangle above her frown as though pointing to it. “You make me sound like a old maid.”
“Uh, yeah, okay, Miss Gregarian-“
“Just call me Miriam, okay? It’s humiliating enough having you as a babysitter.”
“Bodyguard,” Thumper said.
“Same thing.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “And don’t try to talk to my friends.” She rolled her eyes. “How old are you anyway?”
“Fifty-three.”
“That’s gross, that’s so ancient. I can’t believe Dad won’t let me go alone. Ocean City is not a ghetto, no offense — I can drive, you know, I have a driver’s license. I drove to Florida last year. I’m almost twenty years old.”
Thumper nodded. “I don’t think it’s the driving he do worry ’bout, miss… Miriam.” He cleared his throat. “He mention you gots a boyfriend gonna meet you there. He wanna make sure the young fellah treat you right. And other fellahs — there gonna be lotta fellahs at the beach. Lotta them fellahs only want one thing, and they got Roman hands-“
“I know! Do you go to church in the 50s?! You don’t have to explain sex to me. I know all the parts of the penis! God, my dad is the worst,” she said. “I know boys are assholes, and I hate them.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “My boyfriend is Caden. He’s very cool, you have to know that. He DJs at a club and has like a hundred thousand followers on Instagram. My dad doesn’t like him. He said he’s a smoothpecker. I don’t know what that means. I think it’s a translation of something Armenian.” She again blew that tendril of hair away from her face with a judgmental puff, but it went right back to the way it was. “I hate being Armenian.”
Thumper got distracted then by a slowdown on the highway, as traffic choked the road. He ain’t wanna admit that his driving skills was weak — Thumper only drove a few times on a highway in his life. He barely drove before, and Carson only helped him get his license back last week. Mr. Gregarian never asked. White folk do be assumptive that everywhom drive everyway everyday. Thumper narrowed his eyes to slits and gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles honkied up, as cars careened past like sleek elephants. Cars went faster nowadays, or maybe time itself was faster. The Jaguar was smooth as a lubed thumb, but lotta the other cars on the road rattled and roared like wraiths on a rampage, like they was finna collapse into a car-shaped pile of car parts. The sound of some squawky whiteboy on the radio pissed Thumper off like squawky whiteboys do, but he gotsta grope around on the dashboard to figure out how to turn it off.
“You drive so weird, old man! I’m putting TuneBleed on. You’re my driver, not my boss,” Miriam said. She stayed messing about on her phone as if she weren’t allowed to put it down.
He grunted. He was calmer now that he was steady in the slow lane, confident he was heading the right way. “TuneBleed, huh? Never heard of ’em. They a rock band?”
Miriam sneered. “A rock band? That’s not a thing anymore. It’s an app,” she said like it shoulda been obvious. Some awful music blared from the speakers. It got a beat like hip hop, a slow-kidney tinkle-piss beat, like if rain could cry, but no words, cuz every nigga in the world musta got too sleepy to rap over it.
Thumper glinted at Miriam in the rear-view mirror, still white-knuckling the steering wheel. “How do I get the lady back? The directions lady?”
“The what?” She stayed in her phone, tippy-tapping at it like she was finna finish her tippy-tapping but kept finding more tippy-tapping to do.
“The lady who know where to go.”
“You mean GPS? It’s on.”
“The directions thing? Yeah. the woman, like a white-lady robot,” Thumper said.
“The GPS lady is Siri. You know she’s not a real person, right?”
Thumper narrowed his eyes at her in the mirror. “I ain’t a retard. I know there ain’t a woman in the dashboard reading directions off,” he said.
She scoffed and blew strands of hair outta her bratty-brown eyes, only for them to flop right back once again like a bossy octopus. “Can’t you drive faster? You go so slow. I can’t be the last one there, I will absolutely die.”
“Yo’ pa said I gots to bring you back in one piece. It ain’t a race.”
“It is! If I’m the last one there, Caden will be hanging out with Donna Wiltshire, and she will suck off anything that moves, I swear, she is such a skank, and everybody knows it.”
Thumper roared into the rear-view mirror. “Get that white-lady robot back on. What’d you say her name was? Seeree?”
“Siri! You can’t talk to me like that! I’m your boss!” Miriam snapped.

“Yo’ daddy is my boss, and he said to tell you to quit being a ungrateful brat and you ain’t allowed to whine at Wendell like a mouthy hussy all weekend,” he said.


She screwed up her nose. “Okay, first of all, my dad did not say that. Second of all, did you just call me a ‘mouthy hussy’? Third of all, I can’t believe your name is Wendell. It’s like disgustingly uncool, I swear, every time anyone calls you Wendell a celebrity somewhere in the world gets fat-“
“Bring back Siri!” he said. “I dunno where to go! I-“
“You stay on this road, you crazy old moron! Siri is still there!” Miriam screeched like a whole flock of shattering bats. She slammed her hands on the seat and gritted her teeth. She snapped at him, “GPS will cut in over the music when it’s got something to say! You’re ridiculous, how can you be so lame?! Don’t you just, like, want to die? You know nobody likes you.”
“What? You dunno nothin’.”
“I know all the bouncers! All of them! Buck, Rocky, Poahi even, and he’s so dumb he’s nice. They all said you’re a humiliating old fool and they can’t believe you get out of bed in the morning,” she said. She sat back in her seat with a flounce and crossed her arms over her chest, phone still in her hand.
He chuckled. “Not a single one them evuh met me. Only bouncer I know is Tyrell,” Thumper said.
She looked out the window and wrinkled her cutey-tooty nose. “I don’t need a bodyguard.”
“You need a slap upside the face and a job where you work up a sweat,” Thumper said.
She looked at him with wide-eye shock in the rear-view mirror. “You can’t talk to me like that-“
They was both startled then by Siri cutting in over the music. Prepare to approach the Chess-a-peak Bay Bridge in one mile. Thumper’s fingers fumbled like fretful butterflies around the dashboard in search of a button to press to go back to TuneBleed, but then it did that automatterly.
“Be quiet when I go over the bridge,” Thumper said. He eyed the bridge, which extended over the horizon. It was wide but narrowed by lurching traffic squeezing in away from the sheer, unprotected sides. The sound of the bay’s waves, honking cars and cawing seagulls reverberated through the fog below.
“Why? Are you sneaking up on it?”
“I never drove on it before,” Thumper said softly. He ain’t like how the traffic was slowing down, and one of the that-way lanes was fulla cars going this-way, and the bridge rumbled like jagged rags under a trillion tons of too many cars, but he ain’t wanna let on to Miriam that he ain’t never drove outta Baltimore before and ain’t never even drove on no big-time bridge. The lanes narrowed as the cars seemed to grow wider, and a utility truck ahead looked too broad to fit.
Thumper sucked in his breath as if that’d make the car smaller or the lanes bigger.
The Bay Bridge stretched far into the distance. The water loomed low below, and there weren’t no shoulders or even a real guardrail, and the edge nipped at Thumper’s side. There weren’t barely nothing to stop the car from a icy plummet. Thumper could only go with the flow of trapped cars. He got a tight grip on the wheel like it was trying-a escape, or he was.
His heart raced. He ain’t realize how long this bridge was. Weren’t there islands in the Chesapeake?
It felt like a cage even though it was the exact opposite of one — it was wide open, no barriers to speak of ‘cept the bridge itself underneath. The Earth stretched to surround it, but the cars hemmed Thumper and Miriam in like shrunk tighty-whiteys. If Thumper got out, he couldn’t even fit between the trafficky cars. He was as trapped as a rat in a eagle’s talons seeing the openness and freedom it never knew it had on the ground.
Miriam stared out the window. Her legs were crossed, her lower-down foot tapping the upholstery like a drumless drummer, as she shot bosomy, judgemental sighs up to Thumper.
“It’s no big deal,” she said. “It’s just a bridge. I could drive it in my sleep.”
But Thumper’s honky-up knuckles was taking all his attention. His concentration went towards fitting the Jag through these tiny lanes and praying for the sight of land on the far side of the bridge.
“Can’t you go faster?”
“No!” he snapped at her. He looked at her in the mirror. “Ain’t nowhere to go!”
“It’s just a bridge. Grr,” she said with a roar like a bored tiger. “Honk your horn or something! Go faster-“
“That won’t make nobody go faster.”
“I can’t be there last! You have to go like a hundred miles an hour the rest of the way!”
“You ain’t in charge of speed,” Thumper said, eyeing her in the rear-view mirror.
Miriam fumed like a flirty volcano and called her girlfriends one by one to tell ’em the traffic on the bridge was “mega-bad”. She said it like ain’t none her friends ever heard of traffic, so she gotta explain it to ’em.
Finally, the Eastern Shore did appear ahead, rising over the horizon and beckoning the line of cars. Thumper held his breath until the cars’ wheels switched from echoic thrumming on steel to dull solidity atop the ground.
He prayed his thanks to the Lord in Heaven. Miriam gabbed on her phone with a friend about another friend, Kylie Jenner. Miriam gossipped with her friend that this Kylie Jenner was a “butt-slut” who was into black guys. Thumper wondered if Kylie Jenner was gonna be at the beach this weekend. Miriam whispered that part about Kylie Jenner liking black guys. Thumper ain’t let on that he heard.
If she thunked Thumper couldn’t hear, she was more likely to talk to her friend out loud. That was good, cuz Thumper wanted to know her plans.
“Yeah, I’ll get so drunk tonight. Me and Caden. Ew, no, I’m not gonna — that is so gross, you don’t even know,” she said. “What’d he buy? Uh-huh. I don’t know what that is. Is it cool? It sounds manly, like something a coal miner would drink.” Then she grunted like a macho man. “Steel Reserve.” She giggled. “Prolly has a lotta calories. I don’t care, I’m not eating this weekend. I’m so fat. Oh don’t say that, I wish I had your thighs. I am! I’m so fat, I’m like groundhog-shaped.”
Thumper locked his eyes askew at her in the mirror, but she ain’t clock his mug. Steel Reserve was a malt liquor. Hobos drank that.
At least, long time ago, before, hobos drank it. God only knows what people did with it nowadays. Enemas, prolly, Thumper thunk with a chuckle, until Miriam saw him laughing his foolish ass at nothing.
Was she allowed to get drunk? Mr. Gregarian ain’t said Thumper should stop it. But Mr. Gregarian wouldn’t want her puking streetside like a trash-high ho.
By the time they made it to Ocean City, Miriam done made it very clear she intended to get drunk as a cup tonight. Her boyfriend Caden wanted to drink — he was who bought the malt liquor.
Him and her was the last of her friend-group to arrive, but ain’t nobody but Miriam seemed to notice that.
Caden was already drinking a forty of malt liquor from a brown paper bag, sitting on a brick wall by a bank of rented beach-houses and staring at the sea beyond like a poet, a image that was undercut every time he halted his handsomeness to hop on his phone with fingers like bony breadsticks. Thumper disliked him right away. He was a necky sumbitch, a shoulderless chowder-white honky with shiny teeth. He got this foppish mess of blond hair like a limp mop, and he be bitsy-sipping at his brown-bag forty.
“Yo, babe, wuddup?” Caden said with no chalance when Miriam came close-up. He glanced at Thumper, then looked away, then glanced back at him with flurries of worry on his mug. Nearby, waves in batches bashed the beach and crashed against the craggy shore, where rowdy crowds shouted out loud and brohed down like broken clowns. Thumper hung around Miriam with a bare, uncaring stare at Caden until he looked away again. Miriam was gobbling on about some girlish shit and ain’t clock the men mean-mugging.
The bounce in Miriam’s step vanished when she turned from her gal-pals to Caden, and her excited eagerness gave way to the same slow tone as his cracker ass. “Hey,” she said with a shrug. She arranged her hair tendrils outta her eyes only for them to slip back afronta her gaze, and she ain’t fix ’em again.
He leaned in to kiss her, but his eyes fluttered once more upon Thumper looming down on Caden like a slimy bug he was finna smash. Thumper ain’t blink once since Caden thought he was man enough to make eye contact with him, which was likely not the first time Caden misestimated his manhood. Caden whispered to Miriam, who whispered back as they kissy-kissed, and they both laughed like giddy guppies. His hands roamed over Miriam’s back.
“Oh, that’s Wendell. He’s my driver. Ignore him,” Miriam said, both to Caden and to her other assembled friends, as Miriam, Caden and them other multiracial whobodies gathered up and headed on to the beachhouse they was doing a “airbee inbee” weekend in.
The crowded streets was bustling out loud and packed as canned sardines. Thumper ain’t realize it was gonna be asses to elbows here. Ain’t no way even a dozen bodyguards could keep track of the dimwits ambling down the ave, so Thumper kept his eye eagling on Miriam.
He also kept a surly eye on Caden, who be running his fingers through his hair and walking with a uptight butt like a prison therapist. He showed off his flatty-flat chest cuz of a tattoo he just got — the word liberation writted in a “hardcore punk font”. Thumper disliked him more with every passing moment. Mr. Gregarian was right: Caden was a smoothpecker. Thumper ain’t even know what that meant, and he was sure it applied.
Somebody oughta slap that boy’s daddy in the balls.
The beachhouse was as sad, small and plain as a half a packetless ramen. You could tell nobody actually lived there — it was like a overgrowed hotel room. Everything was too clean and too polished, and it smelled like a lemon got the hershey squirts in there. The floppy-cheap furniture inside was uncomfortable and awkward. Nobody would choose this furniture if they hadta use it every day. That was what Thumper decided when he plopped down into a awkward rattan chair, while Miriam and the other girls changed into and outta each other’s bikinis in the bedroom. They stayed reassuring each other that they all looked better than they did in they own bikinis.
The beachhouse living room was silent as a dead man’s shoes until Caden spoke — except for the next-room-over giggling-atop-each-other girls changing they clothes and hair and makeup. Thumper scowled at Caden, who said, “Yo, dawg, I think it’s great you’re protecting Miriam this weekend,” Caden gave Thumper a chinless nod. “Men can be such pigs. Somebody could easily take advantage of her this weekend, y’know, if I’m not around or whatever.”
“Uh-huh.” Thumper grunted.
Caden still got his forty of Steel Reserve. “Yo, homeboy, you want some malt liquor? I got more forties in the fridge. This is a sweet pad, isn’t it?”
“Hmmm… Why you drink malt liquor, boy?” Thumper narrowed his eyes to slits.
“It’s badass, my homie.” Then he did a little singsong imitation of some cheesy nigga. “Sittin’ on the stoop, drinkin’ forties wit’ my homies…” He grinned like he thought Thumper was gonna sing along with him. “Steel Reserve is good drink.”
“No, it ain’t,” Thumper said, a-beating his feet on the floor. He got a curl lip for that Caden.
Eventually, the girls emerged in they final bikinis, which was the same as they first bikinis but a hour later. Caden went right up to Miriam — Thumper couldn’t hear what he said, on account of those girlfolk being loud as lightbulbs. They came herding into the living room giggling like drunken donkeys and braying like bitches and exuding hormones like a pack of wild glands.
And Thumper couldn’t deny that his dick twitched in his pants at seeing them in they bikinis. They was pretty young things fresh outta high school — all legal age, but Thumper was old enough they felt too young to look at. Did girls get younger while he was locked up? He was them girls’ age when he got arrested, but they looked younger than he ever felt. Girls before ain’t look like girls now, he thunk. Most ’em was spilling bits of tits outta those stringy things. Mr. Gregarian musta ain’t never seen Miriam’s bikini or he’d-a blowed up.
Thumper got no bathing trunks. But he did strip down to basketball shorts and his clean sneakers. His bare chest scared off Caden and displayed his tats. He was glad to wear the basketball shorts cuz they was the only article of clothing he took with him to prison thirty-four years ago and still had, plus basketball shorts looked the same now as they did before. It was the only thing he got that ain’t look old-fashion.
“You look ridiculous,” Miriam said to Thumper as they all left the beachhouse and headed to the boardwalk and beach. “You’re like a thousand times older than anyone else here. What even are those shorts? What century did they make them in?”
“What?” Thumper’s heart sagged like a stuck balloon. “Basketball shorts ain’t change-“
“The stitching on the elastic is all wrong, they’re like a half-inch too short, the material is thin like a whore’s lingerie, oh my god, and they’re like fraying, look at those loose threads. Do you live in a mouse nest? And your tattoos look like crap, those aren’t even cool tattoos! You have a naked woman tattooed on your back, that’s disgusting and probably misogynist!”
“It’s the Statue of Liberty,” Thumper said, looking down at his shorts. Now that she pointed out all the differences, he could tell that his was old-style and the ones Caden and them wore was new.
“Gross. She has a vulva like a fat girl.”
Thumper got no response to that. He couldn’t see his back, and he weren’t sure what a vulva was.
The town of Ocean City swarmed with late teens and twenty-whatevers on spring break — thousands them flocked here, outnumbering the beleagured locals like lambs in a slaughterhouse. Miriam, Caden, Thumper and the rest struggled to remain in a tight group, as they filtered through the thronging streets. The smell of beery vomit and sea-spray filled the air, and Thumper felt sand in his shoes, though he ain’t goed on the beach yet.
“Didn’t you bring swim trunks?”
Thumper shook his head. “I ain’t goin’ in the ocean, Miriam.”
“You’re going to make us look like freaks on the beach!” Miriam said in a quiet hiss. They group of young’uns done combine up with another group of identical young’uns, and Caden was hububbing with some boistery boys, all them porting forties in brown bags.
One whiteboy whooped, “Drinkin’ forties like a shorty, dawg! Fuck yeah!” They all whooped and chugged they forties, clutching phones in they other hands.
Thumper wrinkled his nose. It felt good to be shirtless. His tats gleamed in the sun. The rambuncting whiteboys sang through that song about drinking forties, and Thumper was ready to strangle them and then whichever shit-snack wrote that song.
“Yo, you some kinda gangsta?” Caden asked, his words starting to slur, when he saw the prison tats adornmenting Thumper. “Bet you pop a cap in countless niggas, huh, broh?” He whooped and yelped like he made a joke, and the other paleface pusses scattered around all whooped like they was in on it. Caden finger-gunned at his brohs.
But before Thumper could say nothing, Caden and the other boys was moving on, roughhousing and playing down afront the girls. Some commandy light-hawk whiteboy was organizing up a volleyball game, but the beach was crowded like a Brazilian prison and nobody got a volleyball or a net and everywhom was tipsy as drippy drains. So the volleyball plan seemed unrealistic. They just drank.
By the time the sun setted and the moon rised and the star and open sky spreaded over the horizon, Thumper guided them on they way back to the rented home, and Thumper held Miriam’s hair back as she puked into the toilet. Her bony body undulated like a slender manatee with every vomit.
And them tits bounced in her bikini, not that Thumper watched ’em go.
“Malt liquor is strong, guhl,” Thumper said. “It tastes like beer, but it get you drunk like liquor.”
“Oh god, ssshut up… I hate you,” she gasped. She wiped a few tears off her cheek. “Where’s Caaaayden?”
Thumper shrugged. “He and his boys rumored off to buy shrooms,” he said.
She nodded. “Oh god, I can’t do mushrooms.”
Thumper frowned. “No, you can’t. Yo’ daddy wouldn’t approve that, reckon,” he said. “Betcha big beans they get ripped off anyhow.”
Half-standing on her wobbly legs, Miriam almost fell. Thumper supported her and gave her another glass of water. She gulped from it. “He’sss gonna fuck that biiiiiiiitch Caroline, I just know it.”
Shaking his head, Thumper said, “Nah, nah, no way,” he said. Thumper ain’t know which of the identical girls Caroline was. “Caroline’s fatter than you, and she got that messed-up hairdo. Caden ain’t goin’ aftuh her.”
“Thank you!” she said. “She can’t pull off bangs, I knew it!” She touched her ears. “She doeshn’t have the right ears for bangs.”
Thumper nodded like the kinda nigga who got opinions on bangs. “C’mon, guhl, you best sleep it off.” He put another glass of water beside the bed, then helped her to it. “You sleep late, guhl.”
“Ssssshut up, Wendell,” she said, but she plopped onto the bed and closed her eyes. “You sssshuck.”
Thumper stood over her until he was sure she was asleep. Once she was thoroughly conk-a-zonk, Thumper was glad to have some time to hisself. He could wander out to find a slut to bang. There was plentya women hot to trot in this town. Maybe that Kylie Jenner was hopping about.
But could he leave the house with Miriam slumbering? How many other men were on the wander looking for a ho to poke?
He went to his own room and took a shower. He rinsed Miriam’s vomit off. He went lookie-loo around the beachhouse, dressed only in his boxers, to make sure the doors and windows was all locked — even at close to two o’clock in the morning, the phone-lit streets of Ocean City was choked with drunken revellers.
One of those drunken revellers was outside Thumper’s bedroom when he returned to it. The shadowy figure fumbled with Thumper’s window, making a loud racket as he worked it unstuck from outside. The light was off in the room, so Thumper stood there by the window with his arms crisscrossing his chest.
Finally, the window was forced open, and the familiar blond tousle upon Caden’s dome appeared. He was so drunk he ain’t notice Thumper standing there. Caden crawled in and toppled onto the floor.
“Baaaby…” Caden said when he got up and checked that his phone weren’t smasht. He saw Thumper and the empty bed. “Oh. Sssshit. Thissssh ain’t Mere-yum’sssh room. Ssshorry, homie.”
“I ain’t yo’ homie, Caden,” Thumper said. “‘d you buy shrooms?”
Caden shook his head with a slowness, like his whole body was made of honky-flavor jello. “Was a ripoff. Where’s Mirre… Mirre… Where’s she at, dawg?”
“Shut the fuck up,” Thumper said. “If you think I’mma let you go in there and plunder that female like she a bag of doritos, you are even dumber ‘an you look, and you look dumb as dogshit, Caden.” He said his name with a sneer.
“I-“
But Thumper grabbed Caden by the cheek and turned him around. He shoved him face-first into the wall, and he spread Caden’s legs before lowering his pants. Caden wiggled to get away, but he was so drunk and so slow that Thumper ignored his efforts.
Then he pulled down his boxers — plain white but thick and weirdly nice — Thumper ain’t never in his life seen high-fashion-brand men’s underwear before — and revealed a plump white ass. Thumper loved smashing a pair of porcelains.
He rubbed his dick on Caden’s buttcrack until it was good and hard. Caden’s whole body undulated as he tried not to vomit. “What’rrrre you doin’?” Caden asked. He was sobered up a little by the surprise and the pain from Thumper holding his hands behind his back.
“This is called ramroddin’ in prison,” Thumper said. His dick was hot and hard now. Caden felt it in his buttcheeks but couldn’t figure out what it was. Every time he tried to move his head, his world swam and his belly swayed inside, so he stopped, and Thumper wouldn’t let him look all the way behind hisself anyway. Thumper said, “Whiteboys call it cornholin’. Black fellahs call it ramroddin’.”
“Hmm… I heard of that,” Caden said softly. He tried to remember the rapper who says he was “ramroddin’ bigger niggas with a quicker trigger finger”. He always thought the line was “ham-waddin’ bigger niggas”, but he looked it up a couple weeks ago cuz he ain’t know what “ham-waddin'” was. He also ain’t know what “ramrodding” was.
Then a fiery ball of pain erupted in his backside. He bit back a howl, while Thumper placed his dirty drawers in Caden’s mouth as a gag. Caden ain’t know he shoulda bin clenching, but once Thumper’s manhood pushed into his hole, Caden couldn’t expel it no more.
His cock forced its way deeper into Caden’s backside, as a firestorm of pleasure ran up Thumper’s spine. Thumper howled along with Caden, licking his lips. Caden cringed and grunted, and he bit his tongue so hard it bled. Thumper kneaded his buttcheeks like rising dough. Every motion Caden made sent another frisson up Thumper’s spine. He ain’t plowed down a whiteboy since prison, and it felt good to plunder his hip little guts.
“Hmm, whiteboy, yo’ booty feels damn good…” Thumper moaned and his voice broke in Caden’s ear. Caden shivered and bit back a cry of agony. Thumper nibbled on his earlobe.
With a whine and a whimper, Caden felt a throb in his ass. Thumper grunted. A spurt of hot liquid washed into Caden’s flesh, and the heat of Thumper’s load suffused throughout his body. Cum flowed into him, great creamy wads of it that filled him up.
“Don’chu mess wit’ Miriam this weekend,” Thumper said with a growl, still nutting inside Caden. He thrust into Caden’s ass and shot jiss deep into his guts. His moist voice echoed in Caden’s ear. “Or I’ll get a dozen niggas to split you in two, and I’ll make you call yo’ mama so she can hear her son stop bein’ a real man.”
“Yes! Okay! Yes, sir!” Caden said, shouting the best he could without taking a deep breath. More jissom flowed into him, more than he thought possible. It dripped down his thighs. Thumper’s heavy body pressed against his back still, and Thumper’s hot breath condensed on Caden’s ear. Finally, there was one last spurt, then only a few drops leaking into him.
Thumper’s dick limpened slow in Caden’s ass, while Caden whimpered and stamped his feet. Thumper smacked his buttcheek one more time.
That made Caden tense and grit his teeth. His whole body wiggled like an agonized snake. “Hhnnnnnnn!”
“That was some nice booty, Caden,” Thumper said with a grin that grew as he watched his big black pecker ooze out, along with rivulets of pearly nut. “Hope you don’t gotsta walk straight anytime soon.”
His cocktip emerged with a moist plop, and Caden sighed. Jiss flowed down his thighs. “Ow, shit!” Caden groaned out loud. He tried to stand up too quick, and dizziness struck him.
“Don’t forget, whiteboy: leave Miriam’s virtue alone,” Thumper said before he tucked his dirty dinky away. He shoved Caden back out the window he done crawl in through, and Caden collapsed with his pants down outside. Thumper threw his phone after him.
Then he locked the window. That, he thunk, was one problem solved.

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Thumper the Booty Bandit

Chapter One: The Old Head

Chapter Two: Still Whistlin’

Chapter Three: On the Systemic Racism of the So-Called “Road” and Its Origins in Patriarchal Patterns of Oppression

Chapter Four: Debt

Chapter Five: Crossing the Bridge

Chapter Six: The Sauciest Noodle

Chapter Seven: Nights of Long Love

Chapter Eight: Hazing

Chapter Nine: The Trustee

Chapter Ten: Missus

Chapter Eleven: Whitey

Buck the Dumbass: Chapter 1

Buck the Dumbass

Chapter One: Ann Arbor, 1999

Chapter Two: Peremptory Manhood

Chapter Three: Statistics 101

Chapter Four: Systems of Oppression

Chapter Five: Lung Stuff

Buck Sampson steered the Jaguar into a parking spot. He done squash his hillbilly ass into the driver’s seat, his giant frame not fitting without lotta effort on his part. Mistah Gregarian slid graceful as a weasel out from the backseat b’fore’n Buck could heft hisself outta the front.
Putting on his sunglasses, Mistah Gregarian scowled at Buck. He preferred Buck to open the door fer him. Classier. But he ain’t wanna sit in the backseat and wait fer the galoot to get in gear. “C’mon, you moron, hurry up,” Mistah Gregarian said. “You could be less oafish, Buck. I have an image to maintain.”

“I’s tryin’, Mistah Gregarian,” Buck said. He lowered his bass-booming voice. Buck was a chambery hulk of a man, damn near seven feet tall and as broadly muscled as a ox. He got a thick, unkempt mullet the color of a new moon at midnight. Buck’s scruff covered up his ruddy cheeks.


Wrinkling his nose, Mistah Gregarian said, “You might have to threaten him. If I give you a signal, give him what-for.” He motioned fer Buck to go ahead — t’was classier fer the lackey to go in front. Buck was more concerned ’bout an attack from behind though. This was a rough-side homeboy neighborhood, and the locals was more dangerous than the Koreans they was here to visit.
But Mistah Gregarian wanted his bodyguard in front, so’n Buck hopped to position. He ain’t know where they was going though, to the front of the shop or the back or maybe the Kims’ apartment. Buck walked a few feet then hesitated. “Suh?”
“It’s down there!” Mistah Gregarian spat. He glanced at Buck’s hillbilly mullet. “Come on!” Mistah Gregarian weren’t a hillbilly ‘t all. He was not the kinda man who’d ever set foot in the trailer park where’n Buck lived. He’d curl his lip driving past it. He done do precisely that on numerable occasions.
But Buck was strong and tough and loyal, and he was a rely-able bouncer at the strip club Mistah Gregarian owned. Sometimes, he accompanied Mistah Gregarian on missions like this one, collecting a debt.
They went into the Korean drycleaner’s, and the chemical smell made Buck wrinkle his crooked-cartilage fist-shape nose. He breathed loud cuz he was a amateur boxer and his nose done got broke buncha times a couple years back, in the early 90s. He tried to breathe normal, cuz Mistah Gregarian scumbled on another one his looks. Buck straightened his tie, which looked too short. Buck was so big most clothes ain’t fit. How far down was a tie sposedta go anyways? Buck ain’t know, and Mistah Gregarian’d scold him silly if’n Buck axed, so’n he ain’t ax.
Inside the drycleaner’s, Buck stood up on a somber face. Mistah Gregarian do admire Buck to look good — tie, shirt buttoned up, slacks, whole nine yards. He wanted Buck looking like a goon, cuz Mistah Gregarian fancied hisself a mobster. If’n Ann Arbor had more Armenians, he prolly woulda made up a mafia.
“Mister Kim, Mister Kim, so good to see you.” Mistah Gregarian cleared his throat when the spindly Korean man came out and bowed o’er and o’er. “I haven’t seen you this month.”
“Yes, sih, yes, sih, I sowwy, I sowwy,” Mistah Kim said. He got a politely nervous way of talking.
Buck zoned out. He got confidence Mistah Kim weren’t gonna stab nobody. The two mistahs slapped noses, but they both bowed and apologized and got respect in they voices. Ain’t no blowup like when they did deals with Señor Delgado the Cuban, he a fiery sort. Mistah Kim was calm as a pickled peach.
And his missus was purdy and petite, Buck peeped her in the backa the shop.
“Buck?” Mistah Gregarian elbowed him.
“Oh. Uh-huh. Yeah,” Buck said. He ain’t know what Mistah Gregarian was signaling.
He raised his eyebrows at Buck. “Do your thing,” he whispered.
Buck cleared his throat. “You, uh… You admire me to heeit him?” Buck ain’t been paying attention, but he thought the tone of the conversation was cordial. Mistah Kim done agreed to sump’in, Buck was sho’re of that. They shook hands.
The face that Mistah Gregarian put on suggested Buck was indeed sposedta hit him, was sposedta have done hit him, was a goddamn gorilla-brain goombah fer not knowing it, was in trouble fer making it look like Mistah Gregarian be hiring retards as muscle and was gonna be on the sorry end of a long monologue after this.
But how hard to hit? Buck advanced upon Mistah Kim, who was a whimpery old Korean feller. Buck could knock his head clean off if’n he admired to.
That’d likeish reduce his debt repayments though. Who redds a drycleaner’s when it gets gommed up?
“Prease, sih, sih, sih-“
Buck smacked him, closed-fist but hard enough to knock him down. Blood spurted from Mistah Kim’s nose. He shouted and squirmed and collapsed ‘gainst the wall of the dry cleaner.
“Don’t try my patience, Mister Kim,” Mistah Gregarian said. “You- — … Buck? Did you knock him out?”
“I ain’t know how hard to heeit him!” Buck threw his hands up.
“Not that hard!”
They both peered down at Mistah Kim, who was curled up by his counter. Buck looked round to see if’n anyone done witness that. The good lady Missus Kim weren’t visible, and the drycleaning shop weren’t open yet, so’s the curtains was drawn and ain’t nobody could see in.

After just a second, Mistah Kim gasped hisself wakeful, and both Buck and Mistah Gregarian brightened up. Mistah Gregarian looked at Buck like a cockroach, and Buck threw his hands up again. Mistah Kim groaned and moaned, while Mistah Gregarian gave him another minute to recover.
Finally, Mistah Kim stammered, “I — I — I can not- I haff no mon-ee!”


“I’s sawry, Mistah Kim, fer knockin’ you out-” Buck said.
“Don’t apologize!” Mistah Gregarian hissed. He shoved Buck, who was mountainous as a unmoving wall. Mistah Gregarian shoved him harder, and Buck obliging-like stepped back as though he got shoved.
“Prease, I have no mon-ee-” Mistah Kim said.
Mistah Gregarian looked down at him. “You had better be grateful I don’t take your store. We’ll be back in one month, and we’ll have paperwork to transfer ownership. If you don’t pay in full, I’m exercising the possession clause.”
“Yes, prease, sih, prease,” Mistah Kim stammered, holding his bloody nose.
Mistah Gregarian stalked out, and Buck followed. Once they got onto the street, Buck hurried to walk afronta him and open the Jag door fer Mistah Gregarian, then scurried to the front seat and hefted hisself in with as much as grace as a barrel of a man could muster sliding into a car made fer the diminutive hunchbacks of inbred British dukes. He gotta crane his head to the side.
“You made me look like a moron in there. You threw me off my game. I had him eatin’ outta the palm of my hand,” Mistah Gregarian said. “Weren’t you paying attention?”
“Yessuh,” Buck said. He nodded ‘long as Mistah Gregarian ramped up a monologue. As always, he ain’t stick to the pertinous subject. He lectured Buck on focus, men’s fashion, finesse versus tact, class and etiquette, diction and articulation, Korean cultural appreciation, comparative advantage, the looseness of women these days, state taxes, Aztec prophecies related to the upcoming millenium shift, the environmental consequences of the drycleaning industry and considerations on how far down “yo’ boys” sag they trouser-pants.
Buck nodded and apologized and promised to do better on all those topics as he drove the Jag back to Lipsweet — that was the nightclub Mistah Gregarian owned. T’was only noon, so’s nary the girls done arrive, just the janitor Ernie mopping the floor. Teddy’d be here soon to open the bar. Buck followed Mistah Gregarian into the backoffice, cuz his monologue was ongoing and Buck knewed better’an to walk away till t’was done.
“Get outta here,” Mistah Gregarian eventually said, when he sat down at his desk. He done pause amid his monologue like he forgot what started it all. He waved Buck off. “You’re working tonight, right? Wear a clean shirt. There’s blood and pitstains on that one. And get ridda that stiffy before you come in.”
He stayed casting aspersions upon Buck and t’other bouncers, claiming they got stiffies that made ’em dumb and gropesome. He discottoned to bouncers getting freebies with his girls, and if’n he let ’em have stiffies, that’d prolly be what happened, Mistah Gregarian do say.
Buck couldn’t argue with the logic. But he ain’t have no stiffy at the moment. He knewed better’an to try and convince Mistah Gregarian that that was true. Buck got a hefty slab of foot-long meat, and as far as Mistah Gregarian was concerned, t’was always hard. He’d grab it thru them slacks and declare it a stiffy.
T’wasn’t fair. Buck’s dick was big, and Buck’s body was big, so’s he ain’t fit in his slacks, his dingdong don’t fit in his tight-whites, and Mistah Gregarian be frowning at Buck’s bulges.
Couldn’t argue ’bout the blood and pitstains though.
B’fore’n Buck headed to his pickemup in the parking lot, he went thru the bar and caught that janitor Ernie sniffing ’round the rail liquor. He was looking demure as a daisy, moving a mop round and putting on a thirsty face.
“You sneakin’ drinks, Ernie?” Buck axed.
“No, Buck!” Ernie said. He was a helter-skelter kinda homeboy, all ropy limbs and taut muscles. He was skinny as diet pie though. “I’s moppin’, whiteboy!”
“Why you moppin’? Bar ain’t even open yet, reckon,” Buck said. “You mopped it aftuh close last night, and ain’t nuttin’ happen since then.”
“Floor’s sticky. Mistuh Gregarian get hot about it-“
“Shuddup,” Buck said, clucking his tongue. “You sneakin’ drinks. Mistah Gregarian’d het up ’bout that fer sh’ore. He’d blame me. He be sayin’ I gotta watch you.” He put one hand upon the back of Ernie’s neck and pushed him towards the backdoor. “There’s a mess in the back you gotta redd up.”
“Done did the back, Buck, nuh-uh,” Ernie said. But he ain’t fight back. “I don’t steal drinks. It’s just rail liquor. I don’t steal it.”
Buck pushed Ernie into the back hallway, past the waitresses’ changing room. It smelled like women in there. The stink of they lingery perfume and fragrant ladyparts got Buck’s cock throbbing good. Ernie scampered afronta Buck, who said, “Don’chu even try and run, Ernie.”
“Shuddup, Buck!” Ernie was looking round fer a chance to run. Buck got him blocked from the backdoor though. “You is dumb as a goat, hillbilly!”
“You gotst to redd up the mess-“
“Ain’t no mess! And ‘redd up’ don’t mean nothin’-“
“Yes, the’uh is, and yes, it do!” Buck said. He opened the door to one the storage closets, where’n the stink of spillt wine was overwhelming. “Teddy dropped a bottle of wine in he’uh. You gotst to mop. It done bring in ants.” The walk-in closet was mostly tablecloths, cups and couplea cooking implements Buck’s hillbilly ass ain’t reckonize, like a French press. A line of ants crawled o’er the floor. “See? Li’l black ants.”
“All ants is li’l and black,” Ernie said.
Buck sucked upon his teeth. “No they ain’t! You gotsta mop to get ridda ’em!”
“Make Teddy mop! He spilt the wine!”
“Teddy ain’t he’uh yet, and when he get he’uh, he gonna be busy openin’ the bar,” Buck said. “Tha’ss why Mistah Gregarian hired a janitor. His name is ya hobo ass, Ernie.” He grabbed Ernie by the nape. “Now bend ovuh. I got sump’in else fer you to do fuhst.”
Ernie’s bony spine bristled ‘neath Buck’s burly fingers. “Nah, whiteboy, get off me! Quit playin’! You retard!”
Buck shoved Ernie ‘gainst the wall by the door to the hall, where’n bunchesa waitresses was coming thru to start they shift. Lipsweet was due to open in fifteen minutes. They gabbed on in tight tee shirts in the breakroom across’t the hall, and Buck could smell they hungry pussies o’er Ernie’s knappy ass.
The door was shut tight, and Buck could hear ’em giggling and going on, and he could smell they perfume. He could hear ’em hum along with a TLC song, but they couldn’t hear him.
Now, Buck did got a stiffy. T’was Caitlin’s voice that did it — she was purdy as peace, and she got a voice that was nice and soft like a ripe melon. It got Buck’s cock throbbing even b’fore’n he freed it from his overly tight slacks.
But first, he ripped down Ernie’s trouser-pants, exposing his firm asscheeks. Ernie was taut as tight rope. He got a wiry old-head body, and he ain’t eat much food — Ernie preferred a liquid diet, supplemented maybe with occasional crack. He done swan he quit the rock, but Buck got low expectations. His callused fingers spread Ernie’s cheeks.

Buck knewed that booty well. Him and Ernie done share a crowded prison cell couple years back. Ernie was a cell girlfriend — that meant he gave up his ass fer hootch and smoke money — he let men use his hole as a makeshift pussy. Ernie claimed he done quit rock when he left prison, but he still drank like a fish. He worked fer Mistah Gregarian in exchange fer minimum wage, a closet to sleep in and plentya cheap booze.



Plus skimpy girls to peep at. Lipsweet was mostly a college-student bar. The GHU campus was o’er on down the street. Aside from the loose women, Lipsweet’s only attraction was that they didn’t check idees at the bar — they only let eighteen-year-olds in, and they marked the hands of them under twenty-one, but neither Teddy nor the waitresses refrained from serving folks too young to order alcohol. The lights was dimmed such that they could plausibly claim they ain’t seed the marked hands, if’n the police ever got involved. But Mistah Gregarian got connections in the city council, and Lipsweet was ne’er cited.
“Nah, Buck, no way,” Ernie said, but he ain’t fight back much. Buck done overpower him plenty in the past. He knewed better’an to make it difficult fer hisself. He closed his eyes, gripped the wall, lifted his ass and his head but lowered his back. He sucked in his breath when he felt Buck’s meat poke at his buttcrack.
With a powerful heave, Buck rammed his erect cock into Ernie’s asshole, watching the waitresses check they makeup in the breakroom across’t the hall. Ernie grunted and clenched his teeth. Buck cut the lights off, so’s it felt just like prison again — Ernie mainly did his cell-girlfriending after lights-out.
“Shit, Buck, c’mon! Spit on it!” Ernie muttered. His neck got taut, and his back arched. His asshole clenched the best it could — not much, cuz he got run up by plentya homeboys and more’an a few whiteboys in prison.
“Fine, fine, shuddup,” Buck said. He spat upon the palm of his hand and smeared it upon his dick. Then he spread Ernie’s cheeks with that hand, his other arm wrapping ’round Ernie’s neck.
“Don’t choke me, whiteboy! I’m doin’ it-“
“Shush, I won’t choke you,” Buck said. But he did tighten his arm muscles, just enough to make Ernie work fer air. That helped him unclench his asshole, and that let Buck ram his foot-plus dickshaft into Ernie’s reluctant booty. A warm melting sensation enveloped Buck, who sighed.
A narsty, knappy ass like Ernie’s stayed gross till he got into it, then Buck forgot what turned him off. Even a shattered prison-ass like Ernie’s got enough friction and grip to get Buck’s blood flowing, and goddamn did those girlies giggling help too. Ain’t have sounds like that in Cell 19C.
Ernie squirmed like a worm, but he was swallowed up by Buck’s giant body. “Gimme a bottle. You owe me a bottle!” he hissed.
Buck scoffed, his breathing growing heavy as he rammed at Ernie’s ass. He pounded good now, back and forth, each time sending a heightened wave of pleasure thru his body. “Fine. Not a full bottle. Like a half-bottle.” He knewed Ernie was expecing like whiskey or sump’in, but Buck was gonna give him a half a five-dollar bottle of wine.
“Fine, fine, fine,” Ernie said tautly. After a few seconds silence, he said, “Them girls in the dressin’ room is fine indeed. Is that Caitlin?”
Buck nodded. “Think so. Love her booty.” He rammed his meat deep and held hisself in there. “Why you call it a dressin’ room, Ernie?”
Ernie furrowed his gravely eyebrows. “What? That’s what it is, retard. Says it right there.” He grunted and twitched, a spasm of pain hitting his rangy limbs.
Each room back here got a li’l placard beside it naming it. That “breakroom”‘s placard called it the dressing room, cuz this place usedta be a strip club. City council was full of finger-wagging bible-thumpers nowadays.
Buck grunted his acknowledgement, but he ain’t say nuttin’, both cuz he was fitting to cum and cuz anythang he might say was gonna make him seem more like a retard to Ernie. Ernie closed his eyes and clenched his teeth again anyways, as Buck got deep in his guts and shot a thick wave of jizz inside him.
The heat of his cum seeped into Ernie, who usually complained ’bout fellers cumming inside him. He do tell ’em to pull out. Only milkweed fools listened to Ernie’s demands though, so Ernie ain’t bother saying nuttin’ to Buck. He just grimaced and ignored the rolling moans emanating from Buck’s equine chest.
Anoter fat load of cum spurted into Ernie, a long flow of it that kept on coming and coming. His whole body clenched ’round Buck’s shaft, and he sucked in his breath.
“Ewhhhh-” Ernie bit his lip. Buck’s ramming at his ass got too hard to take, and Ernie clawed at the wall. His forehead banged into it, and he growled. “Dammit, Buck!”
An orgasm ran thru Buck, whose meaty hands pawed at Ernie like he was hoping to find tits somewhere. Ernie twitched, and Buck did too but fer opposite reasons. If’n Ernie’s trouser-pants weren’t ’round his ankles, he’d-a scampered off, but he’d just trip over hisself. All he could do was cringe and take it.
Cum ran down Ernie’s legs. A long stinking flow of it that turned to a flood when Buck finally let his cock plop out. Ernie danced back and forth, then wiped his ass off with a paper towel he found in the closet.
Gobs of jizz bubbled outta his ass. Ernie done race to get the paper towel into his buttcrack in time, but he couldn’t clench enough to keep it in. All Buck’s nut ran out in big bubbling wads. The cloying smell of it filled the storage closet.
“Nasty ass ign’ant hillbilly,” Ernie muttered. He wiped his ass off the best he could, while Buck simply tucked his shaft back in his Korean-blood-splattered slacks. Ernie was still muttering when Buck walked out. “You a dumb shit, Buck.”
Buck said, “Shut the fuck up, Ernie,” as he left the room. “Get this floor mopped.”

Buck the Dumbass

Chapter One: Ann Arbor, 1999

Chapter Two: Peremptory Manhood

Chapter Three: Statistics 101

Chapter Four: Systems of Oppression

Chapter Five: Lung Stuff