Things fall apart, the center can not hold

The niggas ain’t do that when Steel was young. They just popped they collars and occasionally robbed a bodega.

But Rico and them, the kitkats, came to church cuz they committed aheada time and cuz Steel and Big John woulda tracked ’em down with fist-shape kisses if they ain’t show up or if they left partway through the night.

Rico and the other at-risk young adults came into Ebenezer Baptist one weekend for a lock-in. That’s where they hafta stay in the church all night, for sermons and shit. Reverend Cherrymore came by and preached a couple times. They did it tonight cuz there was rumors of a teen takeover — where they do burnouts and whatnot en masse in downtown Amarillo. Sure enough, the shit popped off around midnight, it popped off like popcorn, they ransacked a smoothie joint and crashed a Toyota into a Hyundai (which is exactly how the Kia was invented). Rico and them’all niggas woulda been there, most likely, skidding up sparks, broke some kid’s arm, got Mayor Transom fuming and booming, shit! But Rico and them, the kitkats, came to church cuz they committed aheada time and cuz Steel and Big John woulda tracked ’em down with fist-shape kisses if they ain’t show up or if they left partway through the night. Doors wasn’t actually locked, cuz that’d be illegal, fire code and such. It ain’t even possible to lock ’em from the outside.
But Steel’d beat the stuffing outta any nigga who try and join the street takeover. There’s a video on the internet where this whiteboy gets mowed down at one, shit’s crazy, Steel be bugging. The niggas ain’t do that when Steel was young. They just popped they collars and occasionally robbed a bodega.

From Winston Steel & the White Man

Ironically, there wasn’t no name for the feeling she arouse in a nigga.

Swear to God, she flashed her tits at this one cholo in the Latin Kings, he turned back into a virgin. Erased all his tattoos, dick shrunk by four inches. True as math! Prison doc said he wouldn’t never win a fight again.

In prison, Steel had gotta take a class called “Naming Your Feelings”. Prison teacher was a white lady, which Steel was looking forward to til he met the white lady in question. Bitch looked like a fat man’s fart. She too ugly to look at, pimples and sag and blotch, shit, she was messed up. Tits like gravestones, y’all! Flat from top to bottom. Like God made her outta all the unwanted leftover shapes. Ironically, there wasn’t no name for the feeling she arouse in a nigga.
Swear to God, she flashed her tits at this one cholo in the Latin Kings, he turned back into a virgin. Erased all his tattoos, dick shrunk by four inches. True as math! Prison doc said he wouldn’t never win a fight again.

From Winston Steel & the White Man

A nigga should fuck a ugly bitch sometimes. That’s what it means to keep it real.

“I don’t wanna fuck with Jamella,” Rico said. Thumper ain’t tell him he set up a threesome til it was too late for Rico to back out.
“Uh-huh,” Thumper said with a shrug. “You don’t gotta enjoy it. Get drunk first. It’ll be okay. You can just lick her pussy while I fuck her-“
“Ewwwcck, no way!”
“You ain’t lemme finish, nigga,” Thumper said. He waited until Rico quieted his frown, then Thumper said, “You can lick her pussy while I fuck her gooo-ood.”
“I ain’t doin’ that,” Rico said. He shook his head like a owl. “No way. That’s so nasty.”
“You don’t lick pussy?”
“Not while a old nigga is fuckin’ it!”
“Aw, c’mon, nigga. I’ll let you slurp on my dick,” Thumper said.

“No!” Rico screwed up his face like a screw. “I wanna go to a New Year’s party,” he said. “I’m sure there’s a bunch. I saw some on LocalNights.” Rico paused. “That’s that app-“
“What’d I say ’bout tellin’ me to get a app-?” Thumper wagged his finger at Rico.
“I didn’t say to download it! I just said what it is!” He threw his hands up.
“You is — shit, nigga — I don’t wanna hear about no app! I wanna do things the right way!”
“Okay, okay, okay-“
Thumper side-eyed Rico. “Watchin’ videos of other niggas playing video games, shit, nigga…”
“I’m not, I didn’t! I didn’t put that on!” Rico said. He gestured to the teevee, which was off. “Damn, old nigga!”

“You done piss me off! And that’s why I is makin’ you go through with it,” Thumper said. That part weren’t true, he was always gonna make Rico do it. A nigga should fuck a ugly bitch sometimes. That‘s what it means to keep it real. Niggas don’t explain, you gotsta figger it out. “You can’t back out now.”
“It’s not backing out, I never agreed! I You only just told me.”
“That’s right, I told you.” Thumper grabbed Rico’s ass through his clean jeans. His white bitch was with her girlfriends tonight. They got a New Year’s Eve tradition, and it don’t involve sucking Rico’s dick, so he got nothing to do.
“Get off me, old nigga!” Rico said, slapping Thumper’s hand away. “I’s serious, that old bitch is ugly! I don’t wanna fuck her!”
“I’ll turn the lights off,” Thumper said. And he meant that too. Jamella weren’t ugly, but she was prettier in the dark. He ain’t yet say that Rico was gonna hafta lick her asshole to open it up, so Thumper could fuck it. Thumper do that hisself most times, but he was tired of the taste, and Rico got a nice clean tongue.

From Deep on the Downlow

Rico’s frown was exponential

Frowning spread like a bat virus while Thumper was locked up. Young folks be frowning at everything. Dissatisfaction rained like a queen’s pee-pee.

Rico’s eyes went open wide. “What if I wanna fuck a bitch?”
Thumper shrugged. “If she down, we’ll double-tap her. Thwack-thwack. That’s our balls slappin’ togethuh, nigga. Mine’s the louder sound. Thwack-thwack-“
“Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah-” Rico was doing his best impression of a broken record. But Thumper got no time for naysaying.
Bet nobody even knows what a “broken record” is no more. Thumper asked Rico how a nigga listen to music nowadays, and Rico stopped his complaining about the bed long enough to give a very complicated answer. It was basically “on the phone”, nigga gotta call into some cloud or something. He kept saying “I Heart Radio”, but then when Thumper said there was music on the radio, Rico reacted like Thumper just lit a baby on fire.

He was mad on the frown train. Rico was a conductor on that train. He frowned at every single thing Thumper took outta his duffel bag. Thumper’s clothes was old and faded and mouse-nibbled, which made Rico double his frown. Thumper’s soap was in bar form, which Rico said was old-fashioned and awful — apparently a enlightened modern-day nigga do use “body wash” — that led to another doubling of Rico’s frown. Thumper had a box of tea, which Rico said only elderly honkies drank. Rico’s frown was exponential by then.
That turned out to be a theme with young people. Frowning spread like a bat virus while Thumper was locked up. Young folks be frowning at everything. Dissatisfaction rained like a queen’s pee-pee.

From Deep on the Downlow

Back before, ain’t no nigga button up a shirt. Not a proper nigga anyway.

Carson wore a nice shirt he buttoned up like a white man. Or maybe niggas did that now, shit’s bullshit.

He got showed to his new apartment by this nigga Carson, a bullet-shape darkskin homeboy who ran the Bloods of Allentown. Carson wore a nice shirt he buttoned up like a white man. Or maybe niggas did that now, shit’s bullshit. Back before, ain’t no nigga button up a shirt. Not a proper nigga anyway.

Maybe the top button, if you’s a California nigga. But Thumper don’t mess with the West Coast.

From Deep on the Downlow

Plumbers still out there making bank, y’all!

He phoned out to see if he got a app that could build, deliver and install plumbing before his next poop.
But there ain’t no such app. Not everything’s a phone yet!

“Where is this cabin, the nineteenth century? Shit, nigga!” Rico stamped his foot, furrowing his handsome forehead at the buckets like they might turn into a shower somehow. He phoned out to see if he got a app that could build, deliver and install plumbing before his next poop.
But there ain’t no such app. Not everything’s a phone yet! Plumbers still out there making bank, y’all!

From The Ex-Con, the Prettyboy Thug and Gang Loyalty

Even Asians got retards now! Wouldn’t a-happened before!

Rico need a nigga to hold his hand every step of the way. Young folks is like that now!

Thumper ain’t know what GPS was, but he sensed Rico did, so he said okay. It turned out GPS was the lady who read out directions on the phone.
You know you can replace that lady with like Denzel Washington or some shit? Only black females they got was Oprah Winfrey and some British bitch who the internet said won fourth place in a bake-off. But Thumper accidentally made it Hilary Clinton and couldn’t put it back, so he was glad to not use GPS. He could look where the car was going.
A nigga oughta use his eyes to see. That’s in the Bible, look it up!

Rico pouted though when he hadta follow the directions Thumper read out to him. Rico was young. He need Hilary Clinton saying “turn left here” and “go straight through this intersection”, shit, Rico need a nigga to hold his hand every step of the way. Young folks is like that now! Not just niggas neither, whiteboys too, and Thumper seen a Asian retard at the store — even Asians got retards now! Wouldn’t a-happened before!

From The Ex-Con, the Prettyboy Thug and Gang Loyalty

A nigga need a screwdriver and a building permit to eat a bitch out

You know bitches get they flaps contoured? They bleach they assholes too. Bleach! Asshole oughta be nasty, Thumper thunk, that’s how you know it’s worth it!

All females in the movies acquire plastic surgeons like baseball cards till they look like zombies with a fresh coat of paint. Thumper’d still fuck ’em, but he’d rather fuck that old bitch Ethel, who was ugly as spillt milk but at least she was a living human.
You know bitches get they flaps contoured? They bleach they assholes too. Bleach! Asshole oughta be nasty, Thumper thunk, that’s how you know it’s worth it! Pussies got more maintenance than golf courses nowadays. A nigga need a screwdriver and a building permit to eat a bitch out.

From The Ex-Con, the Prettyboy Thug and Gang Loyalty

Netflicks

Thumper saw a netflick, it was so boring he slept for five hours without getting up to piss.

A modern nigga need the teevee. Thumper spent his prison sentence wondering what kinda good stuff on teevee he was missing, and the answer was: nothing. They ain’t make a single show worth watching while he was locked up.
And movies be dumb as boots nowadays, swear to God, Thumper be bugging. He went to a movie with that old bitch Ethel, it got this white female who was mostly lips, buncha jubilous niggas, whole thing is basically a cartoon, they do it on computers. It’s all a green screen till they put the shit in, and the jokes don’t even make sense unless you read the right comments on the internet. A nigga needta download a software update to get the dialogue.
And don’t even get Thumper started on the music!

In maybe his best decision ever, Sharnell agreed with Thumper about the movies. He said they got good horror movies nowadays though, but they ain’t netflicks. Sharnell frowned on netflicks. Thumper saw a netflick, it was so boring he slept for five hours without getting up to piss. That made it a good movie in Thumper’s notions. Damn netflick was so dull it fixed his bladder neck! Gotta pay for the movie every month if you wanna keep it though. Shit’s bullshit, nigga.

From The Ex-Con, the Prettyboy Thug and Gang Loyalty

He need a niggaectomy

They can join the list of body parts that don’t work. His heart, his “bladder neck”, his left shoulder, his sinuses, some kinda flap in his throat, his knees and elbows, ankles, fingers, ears.

Goddamn the sun was bright. Did it always usedta be that bright? It ain’t seem like it when Thumper was young and got knees and elbows that worked. Maybe his eyes got old too. They can join the list of body parts that don’t work. His heart, his “bladder neck”, his left shoulder, his sinuses, some kinda flap in his throat, his knees and elbows, ankles, fingers, ears. He need a niggaectomy.

From The Ex-Con, the Prettyboy Thug and Gang Loyalty