Pam Butterman – Mansploitation

When they was young, it was different, Wojo had raging hormones, he let the wiles of sin get the better of him.

Pam wouldn’t even show up on Tommy’s radar, like a Jurassic Park thing, he only sees women who got a certain level of crazy, and Pam might as well be invisible to him.

Tommy was an eternal bachelor, that was another reason thinking of him got Wojo thinking of Pam too. Tommy never done did have a real girlfriend. He just bed ’em, like mad seducing, he seduces ’em like mad. Wojo don’t agree with that lifestyle. When they was young, it was different, Wojo had raging hormones, he let the wiles of sin get the better of him. He savvier now. Bet! He go to church.
But Tommy still live like he don’t know he’s almost forty.
Not that Wojo’s much better. He still don’t propose to Pam. Even though she pretty as anything, she not the kinda woman who would mess with a man like Tommy. She too valuable to put herself out there like that. Tommy would never propose to her, and she would know that, she could sniff it out. Pam’s the committing type. Not Tommy. Tommy’d say Pam was boring.
Pam ain’t boring. She may not be like a roller-coastery kind of woman, like Tommy is into, he likes whores and the kinda woman who stabbed her aunt and her hobby is daring drunk guys to steal a cop’s gun (that’s a real lady, Tommy was fucking her back a couple years ago — she died in a jetski “misadventure” — she was mad crazy). Pam was nice. Pam was the opposite of the kinda woman Tommy liked. Tommy’d tease Wojo for loving a boring woman. Pam wouldn’t even show up on Tommy’s radar, like a Jurassic Park thing, he only sees women who got a certain level of crazy, and Pam might as well be invisible to him. If Wojo married Pam, Tommy would come to the wedding though, bet! Bet! He’d find a way. Wojo wouldn’t wanna schedule the wedding until he was sure Tommy was safe, cuz Wojo don’t wanna get married without Tommy as his best man. Maybe seeing Wojo get married would make Tommy settle.

From Wojo the Action Hero

A lotta people would say that was like mad romance.

There was a violinist, words written with accent marks and all! Wine, roses. Classic romance. Bet!

Last night, Wojo and Pam went to L’Assiette Pleine. That was a fancy joint, cuz it was French. He had veal! Wojo thought it would be romantic, and it was, or at least it seemed that way at the time. There was a violinist, words written with accent marks and all! Wine, roses. Classic romance. Bet! A lotta people would say that was like mad romance.

From Wojo the Action Hero

She prolly want him doing dishes and shit

And she get worried a man gonna home-invade her and rape her, she do get worries about that.

That was the kind of spontaneous fun a man can’t do when he got a woman at home. And even moreso if he got kids there! She prolly want him doing dishes and shit. And she get worried a man gonna home-invade her and rape her, she do get worries about that. Smashwood ain’t that kinda hood though, Wojo explained that to her, but you know how women is, Pam don’t care, she say she saw a man looking at her in a hungry way. There’s alotta black guys in Smashwood.

From Wojo the Action Hero

Pastor Steve is always rubbing Wojo’s shoulders and shit.

Women got an infinite hunger for talking about other women. Wojo do not share that hunger.

Not that Wojo had any problems with church. He was a Christian man. But he don’t wanna watch Labyrinth yet again at church, with all them busy-bodies. Pastor Steve is always rubbing Wojo’s shoulders and shit.
And Wojo couldn’t sit with her! Pastor Steve don’t allow the unmaritals to sit next to each other on movie nights. That was both a blessing and a curse. A curse cuz Wojo only went to be with Pam, so if he gotta sit among the men, then what was the point? A blessing cuz it meant Wojo don’t really gotta watch the whole movie.
Tonight, by the time Jennifer Connelly got to the hands, Wojo and Pastor Steve and a couple others was off to the church’s gym, where they lifted weights and talked about baseball. That part was fine. Wojo’d rather sit and watch teevee at home with Pam though. The one with the big city cop who solves murders in a small town is pretty good.
On the way back to Smashwood that night, Pam told Wojo about the hot gossip she picked up among the ladies of First Grace. Wojo dunno how she watched the movie while hearing all the rumors. She done grapevine out tidbits on all the women who wasn’t there tonight. Wojo listened to ’em all. Women got an infinite hunger for talking about other women. Wojo do not share that hunger.

From Wojo the Action Hero

She talks like a professor, but a professor who only studies things that don’t matter.

Pam seemed to spend her days coming up with tasks and complaints. Last night, she made Wojo take her to a Bonita Casita in downtown Amarillo. That was a home goods store. She wanted curtains. What was wrong with the existing curtains in the trailer? She couldn’t put it into words. She said they was kinda you know, or whatever, they was . They was bum-tickety, that was Wojo’s madeup characterization of her blathering on uninformatively about them’s faults. Bum-tickety.
Wojo couldn’t never have done come up with more than like five words about curtains. Color and size. What else is there? Some of ’em have like patterns and that, the fancy ones do. Not Wojo’s. Somehow Pam was gabbing about ’em for hours. Hours! Bet! She coulda writ a novel!
And Wojo don’t mind. He like spending time with her. But he only got a little time at the end of the day, and he don’t wanna spend it wandering around some fufu store looking at curtains. You know there’s different kinda curtains? Bunchesa kinds. Wojo just had them blackout curtains. The only purpose to a curtain was to black out the light, right? So the best curtain must block out all the light. Henceforth, blackout curtains. Forget about it! Pam got other ideas. She got lotsa ideas about curtains. She like different colors and fabrics and some got like belts and sashes and stuff, like a beauty pageant. They was all less effective — and therefore worse, as Wojo saw it — than the plain gray blackout curtains he already had
Unless you get more windows, why would you ever buy new curtains? They don’t go bad! Bet!
He don’t always like being the center of attention. Maybe that was what was weird about living with Pam. There was only the two of ’em, so her attention was always on him — or on curtains — and she expected him to always be paying attention to her. It was exhausting. When they watch something on teevee, she talk during the commercials and that, shoot! She do talk like she don’t realize Wojo just saw the same dang thing. She talks like a professor, but a professor who only studies things that don’t matter.

From Wojo the Action Hero

Decorations like a museum!

Every time Wojo wanna sit down, he gotta move pillows outta the way, then when he stand up, he put ’em back!

Why she gotta fill the trailer with decorative shit? Like pillows and, yu’know, mad cushions. Not pillows you ever wanna lay ya skull on either, but like annoying pillows whose only use is you gotta keep moving ’em outta the way! Forget about it! Decorations like a museum! Every time Wojo wanna sit down, he gotta move pillows outta the way, then when he stand up, he put ’em back!

From Wojo the Action Hero

Wojo the Action Hero

Wojo is a bricklayer whose Marine Corps days are far behind him… until his old Navy buddy Tommy turns up missing. While Wojo is pressured to commit to his girlfriend Pam, he sets out to rescue his old friend, only to end up undercover on a double-barreled rescue mission that just might be his last!

Read it now as an ebook!