Music criticism and analysis by Thumper – Page 2

A water-brain retard screaming obscenities over a romantic movie soundtrack

Like rock and roll, but you could just tell the singer ain’t never get laid — plus it got a banjo.

One foursome used they phone to play something that sounded like a water-brain retard screaming obscenities over a romantic movie soundtrack and then took phone-photos of theyselfs listening to it.

But just off campus, there was a house with a rowdy party going on. Thumper’s ears hopped onto that sound like a city bus. He heard young’uns laughing and carrying on to loud music — like rock and roll, but you could just tell the singer ain’t never get laid — plus it got a banjo — and all them deep on the slur.

From Thumper the Booty Bandit

The kinda music faeries might make if they was smoking crack

Something, Thumper thunk, done gone wrong in music. They oughta just rewind it to thirty-four years ago.

The music — picked by her — made his ears wrinkle. It was a out-of-breath woman huffing like a fat dragon alongside bells and whales and gales of webby twinkles, like the kinda music faeries might make if they was smoking crack. Something, Thumper thunk, done gone wrong in music. They oughta just rewind it to thirty-four years ago.

From Thumper the Booty Bandit

Dubstep

“Yo, nigga,” Thumper said, direct into that chocolate nugget’s ear so his voice would drown out the clanging clatter (which was maybe a band called “Dubstep” and sounded like computers being tortured).

From Thumper the Booty Bandit

A slow-kidney tinkle-piss beat

Some awful music blared from the speakers. It got a beat like hip hop, a slow-kidney tinkle-piss beat, like if rain could cry, but no words, cuz every nigga in the world musta got too sleepy to rap over it.

From Thumper the Booty Bandit

Niggas rapping like a deflating balloon

All morning they listened to some nutty-butter rap, Thumper could hardly believe it. Niggas rapping like a deflating balloon, beats dry as a frigid bitch, and every head in that barbershop a nod-along nelly.

From Thumper the Booty Bandit

Like girl-soldiers, it just felt wrong in every way

There oughta be a responsible adult whose job it is to protect those tweenage singers from having to sing such awful songs.

The music was teeny-bopper shit, real stomach-churning… Thumper ain’t gonna fixate on the music. It was bad, that’s all there is to say. Like girl-soldiers, it just felt wrong in every way, like somewhere, there oughta be a responsible adult whose job it is to protect those tweenage singers from having to sing such awful songs. But Thumper weren’t gonna fixate on the music.

From Thumper the Bodyguard

The club deejay was playing some rhythmless rap now

Shit, Thumper’d rather listen to a hobo’s diarrhea.

Thumper walked in, pausing to overcome his revulsion at the dickless rock pooping its way outta the club speakers… Bud the club deejay was playing some rhythmless rap now, nigga belching out limp nonsense, the girl onstage trying bravely to dance to it. Shit, Thumper’d rather listen to a hobo’s diarrhea.

From Thumper the Bodyguard

Fatback

That’s proper music, nigga. If you ain’t never listen to Fatback, go put it in the internet now. Hope yo’ booty don’t got plans, cuz it’s go’n be shaking and baking!

They got deep on the convo then, and they went outside to the backyard to drink beer without the clamor of the buttnugget bullshit flowing from the speakers.
Then he brung her out to the car, passing through the living room and the speakers blaring out some spirit-sapping “rock”.
Thumper drove her home in silence.
He wanna put on some Fatback. That’s proper music, nigga. If you ain’t never listen to Fatback, go put it in the internet now. Hope yo’ booty don’t got plans, cuz it’s go’n be shaking and baking!

From Thumper the Bodyguard

A nigga with bullshit in his eyes

Going upstairs, he ain’t hafta listen to it. It was just a dull roar up here. Sounded better that way.
Thumper was not gonna fixate on the music. That was some notiony old nigga shit. He was better than that.

Vimukhti and Courtney disappeared off together in the sea of honkies dancing to some kinda nonsense slow-motion dance pop shit, Thumper got a feeling the singer was a nigga, no doubt with bullshit in his eyes, you know that! Got a beat like a dying turtle, Thumper wouldn’t never fuck to it.
Going upstairs, he ain’t hafta listen to it. It was just a dull roar up here. Sounded better that way.
Thumper was not gonna fixate on the music. That was some notiony old nigga shit. He was better than that.

From Thumper the Bodyguard

Death metal

You know what “death metal” sounds like? Thumper do. That’s what happens to white people when Thumper ain’t around to thump sense into ’em.

You know what “death metal” sounds like? Thumper do. That’s what happens to white people when Thumper ain’t around to thump sense into ’em.

From Thumper the Bodyguard