Avery has long sought the ultimate alpha: Santa Claus! He never thought he’d make it to the North Pole and land that holly-jolly slice of manmeat, but a secret NATO mission north of Greenland gives him the opportunity of a lifetime. Can he satisfy Santa’s most masculine of needs?
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Avery and his Inuit guides all thought they were seeing things when the North Pole finally came into view. The wind raged like a hurricane — it wasn’t snowing, but it felt like it was because the wind kicked up the snow that covered the ice-pack ocean surface. Avery thought for sure he’d never be able to leave. He’d been a fool to come this far. How could he go back and go through this whole trip again in reverse?
Everything was frozen. The snow and ice beneath his feet was meters thick, and beneath it was water so cold it made Avery shiver just to think about it. The boots he wore were so frozen they crackled as he walked, as did his outermost two layers of socks. The water on the sled dogs’s fur was frozen too. Avery’s bones and his blood and his heart all felt frozen solid, like he had become an ice golem somewhere between Nuuk and here.
Somehow Tukkuttok and Qannik were fine, but then, it was hard to tell because they wore insulated masks (as did Avery). He couldn’t see any of their faces. It was almost claustrophobic, Avery thought, even though he was in a wide-open wilderness. It was like he was trapped in a little room, just that little room was the insulated space beneath his layers of clothes.
The idea of traveling to the North Pole had been ridiculous even if Avery had had a serious reason for going. But it was just a joke that had gone too far. Now he had spent thousands of dollars — and he’d eaten dog meat! — all for one little tawdry encounter.
One which might not even ever happen.
He wasn’t sure this was going to work. His legs felt like they were on fire, and he was surprised with each foot forward he traveled that they hadn’t fallen off. The dogs barked. They didn’t need to be directed where to go now. They went straight for the North Pole.
“There it is, it’s amazing,” Tukkuttok said. He had a stilted, clipped accent, half-Inuit, half-Danish. Avery was pretty sure he was handsome, but he’d only seen a small part of Tukkuttok’s face. The other Inuit was Qannik, who hadn’t spoken much. Tukkuttok spoke for him. “We must hurry to enact the plan.” He glanced at Avery but didn’t make eye contact with him.
Avery was fine with that. He didn’t officially know what Tukkuttok and Qannik planned on doing. It was coming from the Danish government, and it had something to do with NATO submarines operating in the area. Avery had paid for this expedition, but he was not the reason Tukkuttok and Qannik had come along. He was just their cover story.
He was here for the North Pole. It gleamed, marbled spires rising from the frozen wasteland, and beyond those gates Avery could virtually see the warmth. He’d finally get the chill out of his bones once he got in there. He hurried away from Tukkuttok and Qannik.
He staggered to the gate. It was harder to walk the closer he got to it. The gate loomed in front of him like a beast, a burning beast of pure cold, sunlight glittering off endless heaps of snow. Awe entered Avery like a cock in his ass, and he could do little more than fall to his knees and beg for entrance. He wasn’t even sure he’d ever make it back either. He couldn’t imagine turning around and going through that again.
Now that he was here, he was here, and he both couldn’t and didn’t want to leave, or at least a part of him didn’t. Or maybe, he thought, forcing his mind to whir despite the feelings wracking his body, maybe it was just a magical enchantment coming off the North Pole. Maybe he was actually freezing to death.
On the other side of the gate, a two-foot-tall elf stood as though waiting for him. He had green skin and pointed ears. “Greetings, traveler! Welcome to Santa’s Workshop! Is Christmas in your heart?”
“Wh-What?” Avery’s mouth was virtually frozen shut. He couldn’t think about anything but getting past that gate. The warmth emanated from it like an aura.
“Do you have the spirit of Christmas in your heart?” the elf asked.
“Uh… Yes.”
The elf nodded and opened the gate. Avery toppled into the North Pole, landing on green grass. The elf beamed. “I’m so glad you said that. People sometimes laugh or make a sarcastic quip, and that’s how I know I can’t let them in. It always breaks my heart when that happens, and I have to leave them out there in the wintry cold. So I’m glad you told the truth.”
Here, it was warm and summer. Avery crawled away from the gate so the elf could shut it, snapping off the roaring wind and freezing bluster that billowed in from outside. He sighed and took a deep breath as he tried to stop shivering. He was drastically overdressed for the warm weather here, but the cold had seeped into his very soul, so he didn’t want to remove any clothes yet. He might not ever, he thought. His bones were still cold.
Finally he made it to his feet. His knees felt like jelly. A few elves had gathered around Avery, who smiled wanly.
“Are you from OSHA?” asked one of the elves. “We’ve fixed the toy chute. No one was ever in any danger, we know how to protect ourselves-“
“No, no, nothing like that,” Avery said. “I need to see Santa. Alone. It’s very important.”
One of the elves nodded and led Avery away from the gate. He walked briskly, pumping his arms as he went. Since he was only two feet tall, Avery struggled to avoid outpacing the elf’s tiny legs.
“If you’re here to get your name removed from the naughty list, it won’t work,” the elf said. “In fact, he’ll probably put you on the naughty list for next year instead.”
“No, that’s not it,” Avery said. He looked at the factory the elf had led him to. It looked like an ordinary factory. He was rather expecting a Hansel-and-Gretel-esque factory made of candy and cake and ornaments. Instead, this was just a plain brick building with smokestacks rising from it.
Avery went in the door the elf pointed to. He came in through an office, where a couple muscle-bound elves in sleeveless shirts nodded at him. They were refilling water bottles (tiny ones) at a water cooler. Behind them sat a desk, and behind that was Santa himself.
“Hi,” Avery said. The elves went back to the factory floor, leaving Avery and Santa there alone. “I’m Avery. Avery Flowers.”
“Yes, I know,” Santa said. He didn’t stop writing, seemingly making a list on a long piece of paper that rolled up as he moved down the sheet. His big bushy beard trembled.
“Uh, well, I wanted to meet you, first of all. Hi, Santa, it’s nice to meet you.”
Santa grunted. “I’m only required to be jolly to children. You can get to the point,” he said. He glanced up at Avery for the first time his stout frame shifting in the scarlet robes he wore.
“I heard a rumor that you had a problem with the International Brotherhood of Machinist-Men, Carpenters, Letter-Carriers and Wallet-Stainers,” Avery said.
“IBOMMCLAWS, yeah,” Santa said with a scoff. “Not a real problem. They’ve been threatening to go on strike for decades.” He went back to his writing. “They’re all talk.”
“Well, I think I can help. I have connections within IBOMMCLAWS,” Avery said. “I can get the leadership to make a deal. They don’t want Christmas to be cancelled-“
“No one’s canceling Christmas. The worst-case scenario is that no one gets any stuffed animals this year, that’s the only part of the factory that union covers,” Santa said. He threw his hands up and scoffed in no particular direction. “Stuffing-stuffers are in IBOMMCLAWS for some reason. Never tangle with unions-“
“I wouldn’t, I never would,” Avery said.
“They’re recalcitrant. They know — or they think, wrongly — they think I’ll give in, that I won’t let a Christmas go by without stuffed animals,” Santa said. He leaned in close to Avery. He whispered, “But you know what? I have a secret.”
“Oh-“
Santa Claus shouted. “The secret is nobody cares about stuffed animals! That was a state-of-the-art gift two hundred years ago! You know what everyone wants this year? A Tomaha Stacato.”
A long pause lay between them. Avery furrowed his eyebrows. “What’s…?”
“I have no idea! There’s thirteen thousand of them in the warehouse! I asked if they need batteries and got a forty-five minute lecture on lithium-ion cells. Do you know what a lithium-ion cell is-?”
“No-“
“Nobody does!” Santa Claus grimaced. “I’m getting too old for this shit.” He sighed. “Wait, did you say you could get me a deal with IBOMMCLAWS?”
Avery nodded. “No promises, but I have some connections. I’ll do what I can to get them to yes. I’m sure you’d rather have a deal. Some kids still like stuffed animals.”
“It’s not Thanksgiving, so I’m not gonna talk turkey,” Santa said. He looked up at Avery with a dour look on his big round face. “I’ll give it to you straight. I can’t match retirement savings-“
“I’m not here to negotiate on that stuff.”
“Oh?”
“I’m here to get your dick in my ass.”
“I’m sorry?”
“I came here so you would stick me. I want to taste your dick, I want you to stick it in me hard. In return, I’ll put in a good word for you at IBOMMCLAWS,” Avery said. “You can trust me, I swear, I know this guy-“
“I know, Avery. I see all, remember. I know of your connection to him, and I know all about the disgusting things you do — it’s on my list, of course-“
“I’m not here for judgement.”
Santa furrowed his brow. “You know this would make you officially naughty for the year, right? I’m married.”
“I know. I can skip a Christmas, go ahead and put coal in my stocking,” Avery said. He put his hands on his hips. “The price of coal is going up anyway. Could be good for me, financially.”
Santa frowned. “And you want me to… booty bandit you?”
“Nobody uses booty bandit as a verb.”
His frown intensified, and he held up a finger in front of Avery’s face. “Do not lecture Santa Claus about grammar. That’s a good way to get on the permanent naughty list. Ask Will Self if I’m kidding.”
“I don’t know Will Self-“
“He’ll tell you I’m not kidding.”
“I didn’t think you were,” Avery said. “Look, it’s no big deal, I’ve just always thought you were handsome, and you have an a amazing physique-“
“Aren’t I… a little old?”
“Well, yeah, kinda, but I like a mature man,” Avery said. “You’re what, a thousand years old?”
Santa scoffed. He stood up, rolling his eyes. “Don’t make me laugh.”
Avery laughed. “I just realized you mentioned booty bandits. What does Santa Claus know about booty bandits? Have you… been to prison?”
“They celebrate Christmas in prison, you know,” Santa said.
“Ooooooh, yeah, that makes sense.”
Santa began taking off his robe. “Fine, I’ll do it. You had better follow through. I’ll put you on all the naughty lists — you won’t get birthday presents, you won’t get Easter baskets, you won’t get money from the tooth fairy, who’s a total whore by the way. Cocktease.”
“Really?”
His broad chest was visible now, his robe untied, and the cinnamony smell of his armpits — or maybe his cologne — hit Avery’s nostrils. Avery licked his lips. He was both hungry and horny now. Avery said, “There’s a naughty list for birthdays?”
Santa nodded. He stood up and locked the door to the factory floor, then the front door. “I’ll do it. Don’t tell Mrs. Claus.”
“When would I ever talk to her?” Avery said with a giggle. He dropped to his knees in front of Santa, caressing his thick legs through those bright red pants. Santa undid his red robe, revealing dingy white long underwear that cradled his belly and powerful chest.
He wasn’t as fat as most depictions of him. He was stout, sure, and he looked like he had never had a six-pack, even when he was very young. But he was broad-shouldered and well-muscled beneath all that meaty flesh; he had a big barrel chest that shook and flexed as he undressed. He had a civilized-bear look to him, with a big jaw and a powerful face. His beard was bushy and full, and when Avery got closer, he realized the beard was where that cinnamon scent came from. Avery unbuttoned the crotch of his long underwear and let his thick cock flop out.
Avery had had a crush on Santa Claus for a long time, and he never thought he’d get to act on it. The North Pole was so far away after all, it had seemed like an impossible dream.
His dick tasted salty and sweet, with a minty bite to it — it tasted like a savory candy-cane. He smiled and slathered it with spit, licking a trail from the tip to the root. He glanced up at Santa beyond the belly and had to suppress a laugh at Santa’s harsh stare.
“This might put you on the naughty list for two years,” Santa said. Then he closed his eyes and his jolly beard quivered as his dick got hard. It perked right up in Avery’s mouth. He didn’t stop slurping on it, he just let it get bigger until he choked and sputtered.
Soon Avery had his mouth all the way down on Santa’s dick, his face nuzzling the silvered hair of his crotch, while his hands reached up to caress that giant barrel-shaped body. Santa’s muscles rippled under Avery’s touch, his pecs bouncing up and down.
“Hmmm… Mrs. Claus hasn’t touched me like this in a long time.” Santa sighed once more, and Avery could see the stress leaving his body.
“You poor baby…” Avery said, rubbing Santa’s cock all over his face. He knew men loved it when he did that. He flopped it over his mouth and nose and chased it with his tongue, giggling like it was his favorite game. “Are you ready to put it in my ass?”
Santa nodded. A jolly grin flickered across his face, then he frowned. “You shouldn’t curse, son.”
“Sorry, Santa. I’m ready for you to wreck my ass,” Avery said. He turned around and lifted his ass high in the air.
“That’s three years of naughty-list!” Santa said. He stroked his dick, gulping and looking around nervously to be sure no one was going to interrupt them. Then he gingerly stuck his dick in Avery’s ass, just the tip, right at the entrance for a moment. Santa paused.
“Santa? Are you okay?”
“Four years!”
“How is asking if you’re okay naughty?” Avery turned his head to see Santa’s face turn red.
“I’m… Just shut up! I’ve never done this, not even with Mrs. Claus,” Santa said. He closed his eyes.
“Mrs. Claus doesn’t do anal? Honestly, she looks like the type. Have you ever asked? She might like it-” Avery said.
“Five years!” Santa slapped Avery’s cheeks, which jiggled and prompted Avery to jerk. Then Avery backed up, slipping his ass onto Santa’s cock. Santa gasped. He gripped Avery’s ass and drilled in even deeper. Santa bit his lip, beard quivering.
Avery rolled his eyes. “I was just kidding. Jeez… You’re touchy,” he said. “You need a dose of holiday cheer.”
But Santa ignored him, gyrating like it took all of his concentration to do so. His eyes were closed as he pistoned his hips, slowly and awkwardly at first. But with every thrust of his cock into Avery’s ass, he got a little more smooth and comfortable with it.
Soon he was gyrating like he’d done it before, his face alternating between jolly grins and fearful grimaces, his belly slapping against Avery’s ass. Avery’s knees were sore so he scooted over until he could use Santa’s thick red robe, now crumpled on the floor, like a kneepad.
At last he felt every inch of Santa’s dick sliding in and out of him. Avery’s prostate came alive, and he let out a long, blood-curdling moan.
Yeah, he thought, this trip was totally worth it. He still he might be able to get Tukkuttok off on the way back, which would be a bonus. Avery stroked his own cock, which was on the verge of orgasm already.
Avery took the upper-hand by grinding his ass deep onto Santa’s cock. He lifted his head and leaned back — he wasn’t going to take it up the ass from Santa and not feel that jolly belly and beard. So he rubbed his back against Santa’s silver-furred belly and broad chest, while he nuzzled the beard and kissed his neck. Santa seemed to barely notice, his eyes still closed, slamming into Avery’s ass as hard as he could.
“Ho ho ho…” Santa said, his voice breaking as his dick twitched within Avery’s ass. He let out a spine-cringing moan aimed directly into Avery’s ear.
Avery shot his load then, just moments before Santa’s balls crawled up in his sac. Semen sprayed onto the floor of the factory office, while Santa’s jolly load filled Avery’s ass with creamy warmth. It seeped into his flesh, finally erasing the chill that had settled into his bones on the voyage up here.
“Ah…” Avery let out a long, low howl. He slathered his tongue over Santa’s well-muscled chest and his silver fur. Then he kissed Santa on that lips, that dense bristly beard scratching at his cheek the whole time.
It was a potent orgasm that hung in Avery’s body for what felt like forever. He sighed again as relief flooded him — this was as good as he had hoped, it had been worth the trip and the risk and everything he had spent to get here.
“Damn…” Avery said as he at last fell limp in Santa’s arms.
It was done. With Avery’s and Santa’s tongues still interlocked, Avery shot the last of his cum into his hand, while Santa’s load trickled down Avery’s thighs.
Avery pulled off and sighed. He suckled on one of Santa’s perky nipples until Santa had enough and gently shoved him away. “Alright, you had what you needed. You’ll help me with my union troubles?”
“You can call me Pinkerton,” Avery said. He giggled again at Santa’s frown. “Don’t be cross…”
“You’re about to get a sixth year of naughty-list, young man, if you don’t show a little respect,” Santa said sternly. He pulled his long underwear up and slowly donned his red robes again.
“Are you really going to deliver me coal for five years?”
Santa frowned. “Possibly. Some of the elves want to cancel coal deliveries because it isn’t green enough. We might replace the coal with something else useless, like DVDs of old reality shows.”
“Oh yeah, that’d be a great idea. I could put a lump of coal on a stand and call it un objet d’art. But a Season One DVD of Survivor would be utterly useless,” Avery said. He put his clothes back on. He sighed. “I guess it’s about time for me to be heading back. Thanks, Santa.”
“Have a merry Christmas,” Santa said before flinging the door open and striding into the factory floor. “Alright elves, I see a lot of lollygagging and grabassing! I don’t see a lot of manufacturing!” The door swung shut behind him.
Avery sighed. He was glad to have finally gotten some of Santa’s dick, but now that it was over, he dreaded the next five years of bad Christmases. What would he do with all those DVDs? He’d feel bad even giving them to Goodwill.
Oh well, he thought, he had five years to figure that out. His goal for now was to gin up the endurance to get back in the sled with Tukkuttok and Qannik.
That reminded him he still thought he could jack Tukkuttok off inside his snowpants. Avery had always wanted to try that, and he had a long voyage back to Nuuk to make it happen. He hoped his Inuit guides had completed whatever NATO mission they set out for.
The gate was opened for him before he got there. Avery hesitated, unsure if he wanted to do it. It was so cold out there. Couldn’t he live at the North Pole forever?
There was a loud boom behind him.
Avery cocked his head to the side, wondering what that was, but his attention remained looking out past the gate into the raging weather of the North Pole. The snow was piled high just a few feet away, but here, it was plenty warm.
The elves screamed, running around and wagging their arms in front of their faces. They were red-faced and sweaty. The well-muscled guards were gone — running off with weapons drawn.
“What happened?” Avery asked, but none of the elves noticed him at first. He overheard bits and pieces from them — the gist was that Santa was gone. IBOMMCLAWS had a Communist splinter group, and their affiliated local had kidnapped Santa. They were demanding that Christmas be cancelled and replaced with a single uniform gift that everyone in the world would get.
Before Avery could decide what to do next, however, he saw Santa’s sleigh overheard, nine reindeer in front of it. A big smile appeared on his face. He hadn’t thought to go find Rudolph, but there he was with the nose shining brightly.
Of course, Santa probably has security, Avery thought as the sleigh landed in front of him. There’s probably some kind of elven SWAT team around. He assumed Santa would be on the sleigh, or that he would appear shortly.
The reindeer, however, all looked at Avery. The elves stopped running around. They kneeled in front of Avery, whose eyes opened wide. “Uh… What’s up, guys…?”
“Sir, you will have to be the new Santa for now-” The elves all spoke at once.
Avery was distracted by a glorious light enveloping him and lifting him above the ground. He was deposited into the sleigh, behind all nine reindeer, who kept their heads aimed in his direction.
He wore that red robe now, and he had gained a big bushy white beard. Before Avery could even respond, the reindeer had jolted into action, and they were off.
As Avery soon learned — Rudolph could speak — there needed to be a Santa, so if the old Santa disappeared, the nearest human would turn into the new Santa. Avery had no choice in the matter, he was Santa, and that was that, until the old Santa was freed.
Avery was going to have to deliver gifts to the world.
“But I don’t… I mean I like Christmas, but it’s not, like… I like men at Christmas-“
“You don’t like women?” Rudolph asked. “You still have to deliver them gifts.”
“Sure, sure, I don’t hate them, I can deliver them gifts,” Avery said. He blushed.
“Good,” Rudolph said.
Avery had to shout to be heard over the rush of wind as the frozen northscape passed beneath them. “I just mean I don’t really do the whole Christmas thing. I celebrate it with my family, my sister, my nieces, my dickhead brother-in-law. But I’m not like… I don’t love the traditional Christmas stuff.” Avery smiled at Rudolph’s confused face. “I like men at Christmas-time. I spend most of the Christmas season looking for men. Let me tell you about them,” Avery said. He figured that, by the time, he finished explaining, this whole Santa thing would be solved. Santa’s own security will have solved this.
I’ll just be Santa for a little while…